Things I've learned whilst online dating..

Hey! As most of you know, I have been off the online dating kick for a while.  But then I thought to myself.  “Hey, Super-awesome-badass!! (as that’s what I call myself sometimes).  Why don’t you use your experiences to help make the online dating world a better place?”  And WHAAA-LA, low and behold the Examiner.com actually gave me a PAID shot at teaching the world how to not suck and not leak their suck into the homes of others via the inter-web.  So check it out! It’s still a baby, so there will be many more articles to come.  And if you know an online dater… please… send them here to think about their actions…

http://www.examiner.com/online-relationships-in-sacramento/kathleen-heggum

But as I was doing “research”, I happened to catch the attention of this fella that attempted to seduce me into his affections with this charming note:

Subject: Hello!

“well, first off I dont have a car, or a job, but i’m looking. So, if those two cancel me out I understand. I’m currently attending ARC (*community college). I also have a wife. Not expecting a girlfriend. If that happens great. I’m just looking to meet new people right now.”

…the fun just keeps on comin!

Being on the successful end of the spectrum and hoping to build your own business, you will embark on this amazing journey known as dun dun duuuuuunnn…. Professional Networking!  And the number one advice you will hear from any professional before you is those 5 little words every girl loves to hear: “You Need To Sell Yourself”

So let me introduce you to the wonderful world of the Professionals Mixer- a meet and greet of local professionals that has just a TINY BIT of similarities to dating in the bar scene.

1. Everyone cruises the room.  Eye-contact opens an invitation to verbal connection, or a conversation, if you would.  And whether you want them to or not, they WILL converse with you.

2. During said conversation, you listen to a guy talk mostly about himself.  Not really listen to what you have to say.  You’re both there to express what you have to offer, and see if what the other person has to offer can be used to your benefit.

3. You exchange cards.

4. He never calls you again.

….

So glad that two very important aspects of life that can suck on their own accord can very much suck in the same way.  And just like in any case, a blowjob probably wouldn’t hurt in getting you A HEAD!!……..

… see what I did there?!

Common words found in guys’ profiles and their meanings as I have come to learn from in the field dating experience:

1. “Laid back”= Lazy.  Excuse to wear the t-shirt/ripped jeans/flip-flop combo on any date.

2. “Easy going”= Boring. Wishy washy.  You will end up making all the date decisions, and probably have to drive him.

3.”Musician”= Unemployed. And probably a cheater

4. “Loves anything outdoors”= he’s too busy for you, doing BRA things with his BRAAAS!

5. “I’m a little shy at times”= he will cause awkward silences during the date causing you to fill them with questions to which he will answer with one word beginning the cycle over again.

6. “Just looking to kick back and have a good time”= wants to get laid.

7. “Spontaneous”= will never plan dates and will probably flake anyways.

8. “Favorite pastime is beer pong” = his favorite pastime is beer pong.

9. “Honest to a fault”= he will say mean things.

10. “Adventurous”= he does stupid shit.  A lot.

11. “I like a girl that cares about her body”= no fatties allowed.

12. “My nickname is the sexygoat”= Just stay away from this guy.

That’s just to name a few.  If anyone out there has any additions or edits to these definitions or have been proven wrong in the field, Please feel free to post!

Also, I’d like to thank a few gentleman on the OkCupid for providing me the material to collect this list!

Here is a REAL first email I got from someone trying to break the ice.  BEHOLD IT’S GLORY!!  Copied and pasted in its true form!

September 19, 2010- 11:23am

Subject: What’s Up?

“well i have goals but i haven’t achieved them seeing as its incredibly hard to write and direct your own movie when your 20. i would like to think i say more nice things than stupid but thats probably not the case lookin back. i also have a horrible paying job and no car. making money is a bitch when all your good at is stand up. i am a slightly picky eater as i do not eat fish, i used to use drugs but i have gone into rehab since and can say i havent drank alcohol for over 2 years now. oh yeah surprisingly enough i don’ have a girlfriend cuz i’m such a catch. i dont beleive your standards are unreasonable either just unlikely to happen. this was written on a whim.”

…I just wanted to slow clap.  I’m not even mad.  I’m impressed!

Duck face isn’t flattering on anyone.  Especially when you throw fake gang signs up and you’re white….  How is that supposed to impress anyone? You think with so many online campaigns such as antiduckface.com, and the face that EVERYONE makes fun of you, people would stop doing it….

I guess somebody somewhere found it hot, and for that, the evolutionary degradation of faces has commenced.  Thanks guys!

In fact, here’s ME making duckface!  I’m officially datable now! Hooray!

Taken from my Myspace from way back when Myspace was cool.  Seems to still apply today, unfortunately….

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Current mood: Cynical

Went dancing with friends at a “straight” club in LA and holy shit, what a freak show!  The one guy with balls enough to come up to me was probably dancing behind me for a good 10 minutes before I even acknowledged him and when I did he began to say loving things in my ear like “Yeah, baby, yeah.. work it.”  Then proceeded to repeatedly and forcefully blow on my neck from behind.  Then the guy asks for my number…hmmm.  Robert was in tears laughing from the safety of the DJ booth.

Upon a previous conversation with my best friend, it was stated that it’s about time I find myself a boyfriend and that I should start going to more “straight” outtings.  Granted a club is not usually the best place to meet someone but darnit, it’s got quite the selection.  For example:

  1)the I’m-going-to-blatantly-check-out-this-girl-so-my-friends
-don’t-know-I’m-gay guy:  He spends more time looking around from approval from all the guys to even realize the girl he’s trying to demean isn’t interested.

2)the I’m-too-scared-to-dance-but-I-paid-$13-to-get-in-here-so-I- -have-to-look-all-cool guy.  This guy paid way too much to look so lame and convinces himself that the girls are the one’s who aren’t worth it.

3)on the opposite end there’s the I-have-to-use-choreographed-dance- -moves-to-cover-up-my-insecurities guy.  When does he have time to practice all that shit?  And watch as his friend walks up and they totally pretend that their matching fancy footwork is all natural…

4)the What-song-is-HE-dancing-to-? guy.  It’s just bad.

5)the I’ll-pretend-to-stick-my-dick-in-your-cooch/ass/leg/knee/side/elbow/this pole/ etc.  Rabbit-like humping of the air all around him isn’t sexy.  And if he actually fucked like that in real life, it had better be on National Geographic.

…so many to choose from.  Of course I’m leaving out all the I’m-too-drunk-to-open-my-eyes crowd because they’re not even worth the comment.  I can only hope that whoever I do find, isn’t ashamed to blow on a complete stanger.

…or maybe I’ll just stick with girls.

~fin

If you’re going to post that you love to play WOW and all you do is WOW and on Friday nights you play WOW, and you list your faction and realm more than one time…. What’s the point of having a profile?

Really??!

(for those of you with lives: WOW= World of Warcraft)

Keep in mind I’m not a slut (…stop laughing Sam!) and most of these guys barely get past the initial make-sure-they’re-not-a-circus-freak coffee session, but here is a short list of online gentleman I have met thus far (I apologize in advance if I’ve forgotten anyone):

-The Tool Tattoo

-Wasn’t-that-cute-but-stopped-calling Guy

- Rubbed-his-cold-nose-in my face- Guy

- Accusatory Spazz

- Traumatic brain injury Guy

- Fatty-forgets-his-cell-phone- Guy

- Inappropriate-jokes-at-inappropriate-time Guy

- So-boring-I-paid-for-the-meal Guy

- Forgot-he-had-a-girlfriend Guy

- Stands-me-up-but-asks-me-out-again Guy

..God I hope that’s it.

And that’s just up to now.. I blame the e-HARM, Match.crock, OkStupid, and PlentyofDouche.com.  But mostly I blame myself for being on them at any one point in my life.  However the entertainment factor has reared its head and it’s time I share so that at least someone can enjoy my misery!  I’m actually starting to enjoy it myself. 

And don’t worry friends, if you’re on my FB, you are not on this list.  If you’re not on my friends list… this might just be you. Think about your choices.